Good Day, Ya'll!
Another Personal Share (hoping to encourage you in your own struggle and journey, as I'm transparent and vulnerable).....
The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again..... ~ Proverbs 24:16
Oh boy, I've tripped again! Truthfully, I have tripped so many times in one particular area. Much more than 7.
My husband and I will be celebrating 7 years marriage, roughly 8 years together in May.
While a glorious occasion, no doubt, something plagues me. It seems as I have made some progress in certain areas, yet I am just stuck in others.
Particularly when it comes to financial stewardship and management.
This is where I usually insert/place blame in growing up in a financial-management challenged home. But that is just an excuse. I'm a "big girl", and I have every ample opportunity to have learned, grown, and improved in this area.
I can say....I've tried just about everything...budget sheets, tracking avenues, envelope cash only systems (thank you, Dave Ramsey), but somewhere the pride in me keeps me from changing my ways in a healthier fashion.
My husband confessed to me early last night that he was restless and couldn't sleep well because he felt that "we weren't doing well financially again". I knew we had overspent the budget this month despite God really showing up and providing extra $$ favor. Truthfully I had stopped keeping track a week ago by how much our overage was, because I knew I had failed again. Avoidance just delays the inevitable truth, unfortunately.
I have been given the entrustment and stewardship of grocery and miscellaneous spending in our marriage. I think I've stuck to budget only 1 month out of the 8 years that we've been together. Yeah, I know. Sad. And I've never been under budget. We've saved nothing, all this time.
I'm bleeding out here. I've given the responsibility of budget management and grocery shopping to my very patient, ever understanding, ever compassionate husband, only to take it back to try and prove myself again, yet, always seem to fail in it.
I've had pride up until this point, now I can feel every bit of me sad over consistent failure, and willingly, I let go last night.
As my husband, rightfully, again, was going over his observations and concerns, I crumbled.
We have so many dreams and visions. We want a house with a big yard for our children to play in freely, and to retreat to without close-quarter condo living and all of it's interesting ins and outs. We also have tremendously burdened hearts to help and give to others, like never before. No doubt my giving from our misc budget this month is one of the causes of overage. Makes for a hard-pressed "cheerful heart" in giving. But still I know I must and will give somehow! Just how?
I once heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results! I believe God has sustained us all this time by grace, but He cannot and will not promote us if I don't completely either give into humility in this area, and also change my ways. Oh how I long to be that Proverbs 31 woman! I seem so far from it, most of the time! Here's to ever-growth in Christ!
I keep on suggesting that I'm happy to get a part time job, but my beloved husband says no. He's already working so hard, two jobs. And it causes my heart pain to know how hard he is working, and how much I'm foiling his efforts, in a sense. He puts it/says it, this way... It doesn't matter if the hole in the bucket is large or small, no matter how much water you put in it, it's going to leach out if there is a hole at all!
He's right.
Bottom line: My poor choices and lack of progress in this all, are causing our dream achievement, helping hand, and heart desires to be delayed, so I will stop trying, because I can't. But He, can! I think it is Staci Eldridge who puts it so eloquently, "Christ in you can! Christ through you!!! Christ in you - the hope of glory!!! Inhale Jesus, Exhale Self!"
So, I've fallen again...but I'm not completely out. God has woken me up (picked me back up) today, so He's not done with me yet. New day, new mercies, and new beginnings, in Him.
So I will take hold of the fear, shame and doubt, cast my cares, dust myself off from the fall in the dirt again, and keep going forward with Him. His strength is made perfect in my weakness His Word says. Lord I believe, yet help my unbelief!
And then this final thought came as I was just about to post this....
"Sometimes I feel like my doubts and shortcomings make Jesus seem weak, but it’s me that is in a moment of weakness. He is strong enough for my doubts. I’m so thankful for His faithfulness! He will cause my victory, in His will & time and through my faith in action! And also, even in moments of fear or doubt, we are still charged to tell others about Jesus." ~ Renee Swope
“Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” Victory is nigh! I must confess it and believe it, no matter what the "now" looks like.
I love the vulnerability Christ displays when he called Thomas in close to reveal his scars (John 20:19-31). In sharing today, my heart hope is that I would be diligent about sharing my “hole-i-ness” with others so that ultimately they might see and know their own, and remember upon God’s mightiest works and believe!
Lord, today I pray my eyes, my mind, and my heart are set on You, no matter the circumstances. And Lord, help me to change my ways, and walk more responsibly, creatively, uprightly that I might be blessed and be a blessing! In Jesus Mighty Name. Amen.
Have a beautiful day, Beloved Ones! I pray it’s filled with God’s loving presence, favor and grace!
Thanks for being my sounding boards, and my inspirations!
Love, Grace and Peace ~ Amy O
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